Death, Disappointment and Determination
Death, Disappointment and Determination
Anxious hearts are very heavy, but a word of encouragement does wonders!
Proverbs 12:25
The stroke took what little life she had left. With a directive for no life support, I watched her gasp for breath for five long grueling days. As this loved one lay dying, I reached the point I was begging her to let go. What was she holding onto? I thought I was prepared to let her go. I wasn’t.
My head knows that she is better off. Also, that she lived a good and fruitful life. I know she is in heaven. The problem is my heart hasn’t caught up with my mind……
Two weeks after the funeral, I attend a Beth Moore conference. The topic was MARKED. We are all marked…… some with scars and some with wounds.
Scars are wounds that have healed yet they each have a story. Whether good or bad, God can take those scars and use them for his glory.
But wounds are injuries, cuts, hurts, offenses, or upsets that are still bleeding. Brought to the forefront of my mind was a gaping hole that I had never let heal from years prior. When the invitation was given for prayer, I leaped. The woman wrapped her arms around me and prayed for release from the pain and hurt that made up this wound. I was ready and willing.
Twelve hours later my 25 year old son was involved in a rollover accident in his truck. He was taken to jail because he was driving intoxicated. (You can read the story on a previous blog called Ricocheted Emotions). The next day he was in the local newspaper. And the phone calls began…….
Although there were 28 DUI’s that same night, for three full days my son’s mug shot and information was blasted on the news day and night. The phone calls increased. I was thankful that I did not have to go to a job the next day to see the sneers and hear the murmurs.
Yes, my son was foolish and made a mistake. I felt guilty, I felt embarrassed, and I construed in my mind the things people were probably saying about him and about me. Because that is what people do, they thrive on drama and gossip.
Yet the most refreshing and heartfelt comment came from a fellow writer friend. She told me and I quote, “He is not a reflection of you.”
I needed to hear that. No, he is not. He chose to make that mistake all by himself. He was completely responsible for that mistake himself. My son has never seen his mother take a drink. I have a self-imposed hatred for alcohol because the only affect I have ever seen or experienced is an enormity of pain.  Therefore, I just don’t go there….. That does not mean I am judgmental to those who do, I just don’t……
In the midst of this I was embarrassed to go to the store. I was afraid I would run into someone I knew…….but I needed shampoo. So, I walked into Wal-Mart with my head held high to buy my two items: shampoo and conditioner.
As usual, my two items turned into twenty! I bought Easter basket goodies for my grandkids. I walked to the far side to get the makings for dinner. Then I remembered something back at the other side of the store and returned there. Never seeing anyone I knew. Thank you Lord!
I began looking for a checkout line and mutter to myself, why are there 35 checkout lines and only 4 opened? While glancing at the few lines my eyes fall on a refrigerated cooler that has an ice cold A & W Diet Root beer! My second Thank you Lord!
As I decipher which line to get in, I observe a young mother and her small son asking if he can get a small container of Pringle chips. She kindly responds to him, “Let me look honey if I have enough money.” When she is done I ask if she is in line. She responds, Sorry, no I am not, and moves a little bit back. I go around her and as I glance over my shoulder she is counting change from her wallet.  Then I see her adding the few items she has with a calculator…….
I then notice she has three little ones. A baby is in his car seat in her cart. As I watch her respond gently and lovingly to her son, I am reminded that I have a $100 bill in my pocket. I begin to ponder should I or shouldn’t I? In a matter of seconds, I turned around and approach her.
May I ask you a question? I ask. May I bless you?  As I hand her the folded bill, she looks at it and looks at me with tears beginning. “Are you sure?” she says. And with tears now running down my cheeks, I tell her that I love the Lord and he blesses me all the time and I would like to bless her.
Only then does she tell me that she lost her job. And then with the tears streaming, she also shares that her baby son has Muscular Dystrophy.
As I begin to turn back, she says to me, “Can I ask you a question……..can I give YOU a hug?” We hug each other and I turn to my cart. Suddenly, I feel a little tug at the hem of my sweater. As I glance down her son quietly says, Thank you……….
My life has been affected by various situations that are out of my control. Yet I can determine that I will not be swallowed up in despair. Every day people are enduring pain, learning to cope, making the best of their circumstances and not giving up. I can do the same.
Therefore, I choose to be the person that God created ME to be. Taking one day at a time…….

4 thoughts on “Death, Disappointment and Determination”

  1. Dana says:

    The story of the young mom really touched my heart!

  2. Brought tears to my eyes……… of your best yet………

  3. Love your Wal-Mart story!!! You have such a generous heart! Also…. we all make stupid mistakes and that's what life is all about. It's just a little blip in the radar of life for Brent. Not at all a reflection of you, but his choices. Love reading your blog… KEPP WRITING!

  4. Amy Allen says:

    That is beautiful. You are beautiful. You are real, you are raw, you are an inspiration. I love you and the Lord loves you even more!

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