My feelings are hurt.
I can’t think straight. My mind keeps going over to those cutting words that were uttered again and again. I start questioning myself: Does everyone feel that way? Are people talking negatively about me? Am I really a fool thinking that what I write is any good?
Attempting to start my day, I keep tripping over those mean words. It’s like I’m in a fog. Whatever I read, see or try to do is shrouded in unhappiness. Waves of insecurity pound on the wall of my mind. And I feel that those beliefs I have carried for over 50 years are true. I will never measure up and I will never be good enough.
Shockingly, the cruel words are from someone I have never met. However someone I have been close to – is now close to them. Thus, revealing the fact that they have been talking about me. That makes the pain increase. It makes me want to do something……
· I want to spew hurtful words.
· I want to rally my troops.
· I want someone to fight my battle.
· I want to cry.
I stop to think……my feelings are hurt….. but exactly which feelings are hurt?
I have lots of feelings: happiness, sadness, depression, contentment, remorse, unworthiness, playfulness, anger, insecurity, peace, acceptance, and fear. Feelings are emotions that have the ability to change from one moment to the next. Circumstances, people or our own thought life can trigger certain emotions or feelings.
So again I ask: which feeling or feelings are hurt?
The first one is remorse because I have done this exact same thing to others. I expressed my opinion to the detriment of another. While it makes me very sad that I erred, I learned a valuable lesson from it that I will never forget.
The second is insecurity. I am still learning to walk (on wobbly legs) away from those deep seated beliefs that I am unworthy, unloved and stupid. I am none of those things. I am worthy, loved and smart because I am loved and accepted by God. I am growing in the security of knowing the answer to the question: If God be for us, who can be against us? No one.
As I sort through my emotional reactions I know that feelings cannot always be trusted. Sometimes they lie and tell me things to cause me to stumble. Although I’m still shaky in learning to walk through an emotional saga, one thing is for sure: I am growing stronger.