I desperately need a root canal, but not the kind you think. I need one on my heart. It is in sad shape and the worst of it all is I have let the condition linger far too long. I’ve tried to just live with it. But I can’t anymore. Something has to be done….
I dread it. What if it doesn’t work or ease the pain? Out of fear I accepted it as the norm. I have avoided certain things that might cause a flare up or agonizing pain. I’ve also excluded myself from fun adventures or people to protect my dull ache.
I’ve believed that it is better to live with the pain than address it. And sometimes, who am I kidding, MOST times I blame you Lord for messing things up.
· You pinch my cheeks to tell me you love me and cause pain.
· You make me laugh and cause pain.
· You make me grit my teeth and cause pain.
Could you just leave me alone and let me wallow in my pain?
Oh of course not! I KNEW you would say no!
Okay, since that is the case, could you clearly tell me what to expect? What is going to take place? What does it all entail?
“No, just trust me….”
Ugh! I hate it when you say that. Just tell me and I can deal with it.
“I don’t want you to deal with it, I want to heal you.”
Well…… will you be there with me?
“Every step of the way.”
Okay, Lord but I am afraid, if it doesn’t work I may never trust you again.
He chuckles and answers, “I know.”
I am pricked with a needle and abruptly feel I made a mistake! I knew this would cause more pain instead of less! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted!
However I realize my pain is easing. I haven’t felt this good in years. As I surrender and release the fear of the unknown….. I feel NO PAIN.
Maybe he can be trusted…… OH W-A-I-T!!!!!
I can hear the dreaded drill turn on. I can hear hushed voices murmuring and then a bright light click on shining directly on my well-hidden personal problems.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Are you going to let others see my flaws and faults? How could you? I started to trust you!
“You still can Dana. I’ll be with you through the whole process. It can seem like it has to get worse before it gets better. But it doesn’t. I’m removing the parts that have become infected.
· LIKE DISTRUST – you’ve become abscessed with the lie that I cannot be trusted.
· A ROOT OF BITTERNESS – is being removed that affected other areas in your life because you didn’t think I cared when others hurt you.
· CALLOUSNESS is being chipped away where you felt you had to do things on your own. You are never alone, I am always with you.
I am going to stitch up the torn areas of your heart. I’m going to create a new heart in you. You are going to heal nicely Dana. Don’t look to the right or the left at others. Fix your eyes on me. Let ME love you well instead of expecting or wanting it more from others. But, you Dana have to allow me. I won’t force myself, but I will make myself available.”
Lord, forgive me. I’ve been so proud of the way I have managed my life. My accomplishments have been idols I’ve hid behind. Sadly, I have chosen them over you, just like the Israelites. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. I choose to trust you. I NOT only believe in you, but believe you. I love you Lord.