I did it again. I offended others. Out of the abundance of personal hurt, my mouth spewed. I verbalized my pain in cutting, judgmental and bitter words to innocent bystanders.
AND I got called out on it.
I might add….rightly so. I was gently and lovingly asked, “Do you want to lose your witness and your credibility? Because that is what will happen if you continue verbalizing your hurt.”
The conversation is still reeling in my memory bank. I continue reliving the emotional gamut of shame, embarrassment and regret over and over again. I ask myself:
· Why do I keep doing this?
· When will I learn?
· Where do I go from here?
· How do I make it right?
I know the core of my problem is hurt. I also feel that I should be much farther on the healing scale than I am. I know what I need to do is to forgive. I “know” that down to the marrow of my bone. I especially understand Matthew 18, because I feel that I am crossing over the 300 mark of forgiving someone…….
In the midst of my turmoil, I look up my devotion in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young: “Don’t be so hard on yourself. I can bring good even out of your mistakes…..” I wanted to cry! I finally caved in and did. I am so hard on myself because I hate disappointing the Lord and to be honest…..others.
With the situation still fresh, the following morning the devotion says, “Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth……”
Okay, God…. I hear you. But I still want to pack my bags and run. There are much nicer hand-tailored blessings I could think of instead of dealing with issues all over again. Especially the ones that I thought were on the mend……
I can honestly answer the above questions with: I keep doing it because I am not through healing, I was pridefully thinking of my hurt; I will learn in time; I go from here taking one day at a time; I make it right by choosing to forgive over and over.
· Like mourning……handling hurt is a process, it takes time, and everyone does it differently.
· Give myself time to heal. If a wound keeps bleeding, I need more time.
· Forgiveness is a must, but I don’t have to be friends with my perpetrator.
· My path of redemption will receive opposition by some that do not agree.
Much of my hurt is the direct result of living my Christian life backwards. Psalm 118:8 says, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.” For years I took refuge in man, instead of the Lord. I am reaping the consequences of that decision for I was wounded deeply.
As I wrapped this story up, I contemplated the hurt I have caused the Lord by taking refuge in someone else instead of Him. He doesn’t complain about me. He doesn’t spew hurtful words. He doesn’t talk behind my back nor does he even turn His back on me. Instead He gives grace and mercy. He continues to love me. And best of all He keeps on forgiving.
Puts a whole new perspective on letting go of my personal hurt……..