Tidal Wave of Emotions

“If you have the same dream more than three times the chances of it happening are very likely,” said my sixth grade teacher. An entire class of impressionable young minds soaked that in and considered it pure truth. After all he was an adult as well as our teacher so we could believe everything he said.

His statement invoked terror because of a reoccurring dream I’d had. It always began the same. I’m in Huntington Beach, California, lying in the sand. My eyes are closed as I realize that people are scrambling and starting to run. I sit up abruptly and look out at the water. In the distance I can see a wave forming. And it’s growing in strength and height. People begin screaming, “Tidal wave!”

Interestingly while having that reoccurring dream throughout the years I respond two different ways. Either I get up and run down Main St. in Huntington Beach trying to get away from it or run straight towards it to swim through the wave when it begins to crest. Then I wake up.

This last weekend I was oblivious to a wave forming in the distance.

My daughter and I had gone to pick out her wedding shoes then to the mall. As we walked through Barnes and Noble we stopped to look for a book. I saw a book from an author I had met and asked Brittany if she would want to read it. As we continued to glance down the row, a book stood out to me also from an author I had attended a conference with.

Flipping through the book I noticed it was also a Bible Study. Turning to her I said, “Brittany would you want to do a Bible Study together?” Her response was, “Sure!” So we purchased two books titled The Mended Heart – God’s Healing For Your Broken Places by Suzanne Eller.

That night while sitting at a football game Brittany calls me, “MOM, she blurts out, I just wet my pants,” (not thinking that was out of the ordinary because I did it all the time when I sneezed or laughed) she continued, “and I am bleeding.” At 19 weeks pregnant, I stressed she needed to call her OB doctor immediately.

I waited for a few minutes for her return call, afraid I’d interrupt the doctor calling back. Don sitting on the bleacher in front of me, noticed his phone ringing yet not recognizing the number let it pass. Within seconds it rang again. This time he answered.

It was Brittany and Michael’s neighbor calling to inform us that Brittany was being taken by ambulance to the hospital. Abruptly, we were scurrying to the car. After a series of tests in the Emergency Room we were told that she would be taken to Labor and Delivery and undoubtedly miscarrying the baby.

Shocked, sad and broken we waited in the Maternity Ward lobby. Only to hear a different story that the baby had a heartbeat and the longer she stayed in there, things looked encouraging. Yes, she would be a preemie, but there is hope.

Sunday morning that story changed. After meeting with the High Risk Pregnancy Doctor reality was slapped across our faces. He told us that Baby Lucy would be born this week and offered no hope of survival. She was too young and if she was born alive, the chances were extremely high she would have serious issues.

But our God is a BIG God and he can do anything. We sent out a prayer alert to pray for them. And the floodgates opened. Nothing is too hard for God and we prayed and cried. The outpour of love and support lavished on us was remarkable.

I found myself looking up at the crest of the wave Tuesday night.

Baby Lucy’s heart had stopped and a few hours later she was born. They got to hold her and spend time with her and when done the nurse took her to the nursery. She took her footprints, a little pink blanket, Lucy’s hospital wristband, little hat and grief booklet to put together a memory box for Brittany and Michael.

Anticipating this tidal wave of grief and emotions to destroy me or my family I took a stand. After observing the support of others and seeing Brittany and Michael cling to each other I was not going to run. I was going to stand with them and grieve together.

Someone said to us, “God is a good God and regardless of what happens God is good. He loves us and will continue to love us. This situation is not because of our past, our mistakes or sin. Sometimes things happen that have no explanation. But it does not change how God feels about us.”

Too many times I had turned and run away because I believed I was guilty or wasn’t good enough. Worst of all, I believed that God didn’t love me or care about me. So I ran.

Today, I am making a choice to swim through it. I am going to set my face toward heaven and get beyond second guessing God. I still do not understand why but I am going to continue to believe that God is a loving and good God. I can’t see the whole picture but He can.

It comforts me to know there were many in heaven (especially her namesake Lucille “Nanny” Rausch) to greet Baby Lucy as she entered. Also, that she gets to live every day of her life happy and content never having to experience sadness or pain. I can’t wait to meet her. Certainly makes one more reason to look forward to heaven.

Although Mr. Fornero, my sixth grade teacher had no idea the fear he had inflicted, I’m thankful God continues to take the experiences of my past and redirect them for a blessing.

I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw. Proverbs 24:32

5 thoughts on “Tidal Wave of Emotions”

  1. I know the pain of losing a child, and here I sit 22 years later loving and missing my son Eric and found a comfort in your words and strength. There's nothing I can say or could ever say that would help the pain. But I can tell you to cling to each other, love each other, and support each other. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, and every year I always wonder what kind of man he would've turned out to be. And like you said we don't know what God's plan is, I know that Eric watches over all of my children, and while I miss him I wouldn't change my life or the path you chose for me. I pray that you and your family find peace and strength. Baby Lucy is in the best place surrounded by love and grace and will never experience hurt or pain. She is watching over all of you so talk to her she is listening.

  2. Wow. Such wonderful words. We love you so much and even though we know God is right beside us it is also comforting having you and dad there too. Thank you for such a beautiful story.

  3. There is nothing harder I think than to see your children in pain and suffering. I know Lucy knows how many loved her and her parents. There are no words, I am glad Brittany and Michael have such a good support system and a God that loves them.

  4. TammyWindsor says:

    Awesome blog! I am so glad that you are standing and fighting the good fight of Faith! We love you and your family and we know that you will be a blessing to many who in their time of grief ran and are still reeling in their pain, guilt and shame. They don't yet know Jesus's love for them! We will continue to pray for your family.

  5. Precious words of faith and trust in our mighty and loving God. Praying!

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